Sunday
25Oct2009
My Weird Obsession
Sunday, October 25, 2009 at 5:18PM
When life gets tough I get tough with it. I get very robotic. I stay up too late trying to get things done. I don't rest.
With my husband's new job not bringing in any commission yet, I start to panic. Though, not as much as I did on the first and second jobs he lost. The first time, I went into full survival mode. I created my own business. Out of scratch. I learned A LOT about eco-stuff....green EVERYTHING. I made a cool blog about it. I learned all about affiliates, ads, blog traffic, etc. I created terms and conditions, faqs, contact scripts, e mail newsletter stuff. You name it.
I worked on it day and night for SIX MONTHS. I neglected the kids. I neglected myself. I was so engrossed in this obsession to create something, anything that I could so I could contribute something, anything to our dismal situation. It practically killed me. I stayed up till 3 and 4 in the morning for months straight, getting up at 7am and staying with the kids for 12+ hours each day. When it was finally complete, I let it go. I was too tired to work the site.
Crazy.
Is it any surprise, then, that when my husband lost his third job this year, that I went crazy again and I've created an entirely new and dare I say really cool blog, web magazine idea? I have it all ready to go, works in progress.
But my son is 3 and not potty trained yet and I'm supposed to start homeschooling this month. (As in officially breaking open the homeschool manuals. Which I haven't done at all yet.) So my husband, concerned that I'm starting a business idea when he's working hard in school and trying to work naturally thinks I'm doing too much, again.
But I can't NOT create. In my head or in reality, I HAVE to be figuring out SOMETHING. Home life, to me, is boring. I can't do NOTHING. And yet, it's so depressing because lately ALL WE DO IS NOTHING.
My kids are so destructive and they fight so much. I can't take them anywhere without major chaos. I can't take them outside even - the prep work just to get us anywhere is ridiculous. It's so much easier to just stay home. But this little 2 bedroom apartment is cramped and hot and we get really bored here. And depressed. And the depression causes me to further have no energy to go do or struggle with kids.
I really just need a break, I think.
But I can't have one. There isn't anyone to watch the kids, who can handle them. I don't trust many people with treasures like my children. Plus, I hate burdening people.
Sigh.
And so, I continue to go, go, go. Eating poorly, not sleeping, creating more and more stuff to do.
Homeschool feels like a huge burdening weight on my shoulders right now. First, I need to pass this English class for Mr. Valentine so he can work & do his other two classes.
All I can do is keep trying. I have a designer who is giving me a heck of a deal on this magazine layout blog and I will continue to create it, cause I can't/don't want to stop now. As I've said in the past, blogging is my only form of expression. I get most of my human interaction online. So it's a lifeline, really.
I've tried to figure out just what it is I'm trying to accomplish by having my own business site/blog/magazine thing. Attention? Money? Another outlet? A voice in a community of people?
I'm not sure. It's not money, I can tell you that. Money would be nice, but it's doubtful I'd make any. It would get a large following, I'm sure, due to the topic.
I don't know. I just don't know.
The only time I feel better is when I sing, really. I know, sad.
Mr. Valentine talked last night about five balances we, as humans have.
And we agreed I have NONE of these at this point in my life. None. I rarely make time for scripture study, even. It's tough to do anything other than research stuff online to figure out some way to make money for our family. Even though I know, rationally, I probably can't make money for the family this way, and that I am simply wasting more valuable time doing this research.
The truth is, I think, I am checking out. It's my vice. A way to check out when the kids are screaming in the background and I can't make them stop. It's difficult. I feel like such a bad mother sometimes because I've been around the kids non-stop without more than one 6 hour break this year. THAT'S IT. I can't even go number two without two kids at my feet.
This, Dear Blog Readers, gets quite trying. I find myself just wanting to get away. But I can't. They need me.
I know I have it good, being a stay at home mom. But I feel like a mom AND dad, and I feel like I've got the brunt of the worry on my shoulders.
Mr. V works hard, but he's gone all the time.
I can't lean on him and he can't lean on me. We are both just taxed.
With my husband's new job not bringing in any commission yet, I start to panic. Though, not as much as I did on the first and second jobs he lost. The first time, I went into full survival mode. I created my own business. Out of scratch. I learned A LOT about eco-stuff....green EVERYTHING. I made a cool blog about it. I learned all about affiliates, ads, blog traffic, etc. I created terms and conditions, faqs, contact scripts, e mail newsletter stuff. You name it.
I worked on it day and night for SIX MONTHS. I neglected the kids. I neglected myself. I was so engrossed in this obsession to create something, anything that I could so I could contribute something, anything to our dismal situation. It practically killed me. I stayed up till 3 and 4 in the morning for months straight, getting up at 7am and staying with the kids for 12+ hours each day. When it was finally complete, I let it go. I was too tired to work the site.
Crazy.
Is it any surprise, then, that when my husband lost his third job this year, that I went crazy again and I've created an entirely new and dare I say really cool blog, web magazine idea? I have it all ready to go, works in progress.
But my son is 3 and not potty trained yet and I'm supposed to start homeschooling this month. (As in officially breaking open the homeschool manuals. Which I haven't done at all yet.) So my husband, concerned that I'm starting a business idea when he's working hard in school and trying to work naturally thinks I'm doing too much, again.
But I can't NOT create. In my head or in reality, I HAVE to be figuring out SOMETHING. Home life, to me, is boring. I can't do NOTHING. And yet, it's so depressing because lately ALL WE DO IS NOTHING.
My kids are so destructive and they fight so much. I can't take them anywhere without major chaos. I can't take them outside even - the prep work just to get us anywhere is ridiculous. It's so much easier to just stay home. But this little 2 bedroom apartment is cramped and hot and we get really bored here. And depressed. And the depression causes me to further have no energy to go do or struggle with kids.
I really just need a break, I think.
But I can't have one. There isn't anyone to watch the kids, who can handle them. I don't trust many people with treasures like my children. Plus, I hate burdening people.
Sigh.
And so, I continue to go, go, go. Eating poorly, not sleeping, creating more and more stuff to do.
Homeschool feels like a huge burdening weight on my shoulders right now. First, I need to pass this English class for Mr. Valentine so he can work & do his other two classes.
All I can do is keep trying. I have a designer who is giving me a heck of a deal on this magazine layout blog and I will continue to create it, cause I can't/don't want to stop now. As I've said in the past, blogging is my only form of expression. I get most of my human interaction online. So it's a lifeline, really.
I've tried to figure out just what it is I'm trying to accomplish by having my own business site/blog/magazine thing. Attention? Money? Another outlet? A voice in a community of people?
I'm not sure. It's not money, I can tell you that. Money would be nice, but it's doubtful I'd make any. It would get a large following, I'm sure, due to the topic.
I don't know. I just don't know.
The only time I feel better is when I sing, really. I know, sad.
Mr. Valentine talked last night about five balances we, as humans have.
Spirituality
Exercise
Healthy Eating
Financial Security
Good Sleep
And we agreed I have NONE of these at this point in my life. None. I rarely make time for scripture study, even. It's tough to do anything other than research stuff online to figure out some way to make money for our family. Even though I know, rationally, I probably can't make money for the family this way, and that I am simply wasting more valuable time doing this research.
The truth is, I think, I am checking out. It's my vice. A way to check out when the kids are screaming in the background and I can't make them stop. It's difficult. I feel like such a bad mother sometimes because I've been around the kids non-stop without more than one 6 hour break this year. THAT'S IT. I can't even go number two without two kids at my feet.
This, Dear Blog Readers, gets quite trying. I find myself just wanting to get away. But I can't. They need me.
I know I have it good, being a stay at home mom. But I feel like a mom AND dad, and I feel like I've got the brunt of the worry on my shoulders.
Mr. V works hard, but he's gone all the time.
I can't lean on him and he can't lean on me. We are both just taxed.
Reader Comments (12)
When I have suffered ok anxiety in the past I don't sleep. Whichh in turn makes my mental state more fragile. I feel for you. Do what you can to rest. It will make a world of difference.
Hey Gabrielle. Sorry to hear about all the anxiety you're feeling. I know you'll pull through. I was wondering about home schooling? I don't know too much about it, so I was intersted in finding out the reasons behind this decision. If anything, I would think that your kids going off to school would be a nice break. Give you some me time or time for something else.
I totally and completely and also entirely get this.
You've been going through a very rough time and you're just trying to cope.
Pick ONE good thing to do a day. Just one. Feel free to email it to me so I can shower you with praise.
Also, you keep spelling "weird" wrong. It's EI not IE. ;-D
Sweet girl....your honesty is refreshing. I am sorry it is so hard right now. And kudos to you for expressing it and being honest. Keep talking. Keep reaching out to your lifelines. And, dare I say, ask for help when you can. We all need it.
Blessings to you,
Dani
Natasha: I didn't spell check, too tired. How wierd is that?! =)
Steve:
My husband at first wanted to have the kids go to public school. Then, he met a family who'd homeschooled. Their kids were graduating high school with college degrees. It was amazing. She told us all these things about homeschool that made sense. You can get so much more learning and teaching into a six hour day, one on one than a teacher can in a classfull of 30+ kids. Now, public school is not BAD. There are advantages and disadvantages to both. Private school is probably the next best option, above public school. And it's mostly so the kids are getting more focused attention. Public school is one size fits all. Homeschool seemed to be a better fit as we take into account that my son is SO hyper and won't sit still. How will a teacher teach him - he'll just get reprimanded. Whereas I know my son and know how he'll learn best and can make lessons to account for this. Plus, my daughter is only 16 months and already talks almost better than he does. So I'll do my lessons for both of them on the same level and in the end, they'll BOTH be advanced.
People tried to tell me the socialization would be missing. But (once I'm feeling better, of course, hubby's finished school, etc) we'll be doing a lot more around people and other kids. There are all sorts of moms groups, church groups, soccer, karate, music lessons, etc where they can get all the socialization they need IN THE ENVIRONMENT YOU WANT THEM TO BE IN. Which is what I liked. Because, for me personally, I don't want my kids in a "you are what you wear" type environment in school - school should be for learning, not who is dating who (in elementary school, for crying out loud) and who looks better, who has more friends. Besides, most people look back at high school as a passing phase - so what if they don't go? College and onward is what really counts. All this in my opinion - some are happy with their kids going to public school and their kids flourish and that's great. It's not bad. Just not for me, in my opinion. And, I'd love the break. But I'm willing to sacrafice and give them more time and I feel I can teach them all they need to know (with help from books and such, lol). I joke about not being smart, but I'd make lessons fun and interesting. Plus, you can teach them anything, anywhere. A trip to the grocery store is potentially a great lesson. What to buy, why, how to get through the store, patience at the check out counter, teach about money as they pay for the items, take the items home. Then cook them - a better home ec lesson than you'd get in school. And more real life situations. I left high school not knowing what I wanted to do - no one explored that with me in school. You don't learn a lot in high school - it's basics and constant repetition of the same lessons you got last year - all to help you figure out how to figure something out. That's what school is really. What if you could get past most of those basics by, say, the age of 12. Think of all you could teach your child from 12 on that would be pertinent to their future college degree and career and family life.
Again, these are just my opinions. But I think it's a good fit for us. Plus, I am NOT a morning person. My kids would likely miss lots of school because we couldn't get out of the house in time, lol. Instead, we can start lessons at 10 or so and that will work a lot better for our family. And they'll be plenty socialized in church and little kids here and there that they meet. But we'll have control of the situation, not leaving them for 6 hours with kids we don't know. Some people are better at handling this. I'm not and I don't want to put my kids in that environment. Next best bet for me - I'd put them in a specialized private school but we don't have many around here.
And a side note - if either child really wanted to go to public school - I'd let them go. But I want to wait until their older and can make that decision. If my son wants to play football or something in a real high school, of course, I'd let him.
I can so relate. When we moved here my husband was working all the time and I knew no one and moved right as winter began (so not a lot of meetings at the park with other moms and stuff). Plus I left my two sisters behind. I feel like I checked out for a while and have finally began to check back in. It was a tough year for me, but it got better. My husband can finally start to give me a break and that helps a ton. Good luck!
That'd be tough. We only have three school quarters to go after this one and you had med school to still get through (plus kids). Wow. I think as the kids get older and more self reliant it gets easier, probably. I hope so, anyway. But at first, it's just hard, as you know with 6.
You have so much going on right now, I'm sure it's hard to know what to do! I know for me, when I'm not getting enough sleep, everything falls apart. For a few days it's great- I have a ton of energy and think about all the projects I can get done (so much more time when you only sleep 2 hrs/day!), but then I get worn out and emotional and confused about everything. If the new blog is your passion, I say go for it! But take care of yourself first. :)
i totally know how you feel!!! my husband is a pilot so he is gone usually 4 out of 7 days a week, sometimes even more, rarely less. i'm the end all be all for days at a time...no wonder my kids like their dad better than they do me LOL
one way that i work at home to help the ends meet is tutoring. I tutor kids I know and I tutor as a contract tutor w/ http://www.tutor.com. I'm not sure if you're into tutoring or if you want to try, but you can check them out and see if they're hiring...you're still interacting with kids mostly (i specialize in math kg - 8th grade and resume help for adults) and i also belong to a private very close knit group of women, we're all LDS but we are divers and have different mind sets politically etc, we almost never see each other but they are so my life line at times...my one form of adult human interaction during the days my husband is gone.
as far as continuing to create, GO FOR IT, however, you've got to find a balance for you, your family, your kids, your future...a fried out mommy is no good to anyone...i got there and had to jump back into theater for awhile to revive my "me" and be worthwhile to my family again...so don't stop creating at all, it's life blood at times, but do try and find a reasonable balance.
as far as your kiddos go, are there any play groups in your area? i'm lucky that there are a handful of kids near us that my girls like to play w/, but i know for a long time i was stuck...just me and my girls because they had no friends near by...heck, i have no friends near by...i take that back i have friends and associates, but no one that i can just call up and say "hey, wanna do xyz"...i miss those days...the connection that women have w/ other women is important to our survival i feel
are there any parks near you that you are comfortable taking your kids to? let them wear themselves out so they'll take a good nap and then you do something for you while they're sleeping
if i knew you irl and we were near each other i'd bail you out...i totally know how you feel...overwhelmed, it's not a fun thing
you are amazing, don't forget that...OH, and on the scriptures thing...i kinda cheat, because it's the only way i can really get them in and i listen to them online via http://www.readthescriptures.com/ that way i can listen and get my scriptures in while i do other things...it's all about the multi-task LOL
now the best part of advice of all...take what you want, leave the rest! :D
thank you, Corey. That was really great advice. I will follow it!
One website I know has a lot of tips on homeschooling is flylady.net.
Girl I Feel Ya!!!! I can honestly say I really feel ya. In the last year my husband and I lost everything. We are trying to file bankruptcy but get this it cost's money! LOL anyways we owned a successful construction company and I was a realtor in TN. We have 2 foreclosures and several reposseions. I have 4 kids. Two teen boys and 2 girls, seven and four. We are the only members in our family and as everything around me seemed to fall apart I began to fall apart too. Seeking some form of control I began writing a book I recieved by inspiration. I began walking and started to lose weight. WE are now in Idaho and I have become a bit of a recluse as a form of protection. If people don't know the real me then they can;t have the information to judge me and if I don't know them I don't have to deal with all their drama. Like I said I feel ya girl.
Bri