I've never considered myself an angry person.  In fact, rarely do I let myself feel anything - this is what my drinking days were about so many years ago - getting and staying numb.  I realize now that I do the same thing, only I'm not taking in any sort of substance.  This lack of taking a numbing substance causes a rage inside because I'm left to feel those emotions.  Even if I DID take a numbing substance, I'd still have the issues, so I know that's not the way to get around it either. 

I attempt to numb these rage emotions with denial.  Without much luck.  I hide my hurt feelings by getting angry.  I end up taking out a lot of anger on myself by letting myself feel such guilt, sadness, depression, etc.  Or for example, I'll get furious over something the Inlaws have said or done (maybe not even to me!) or furious over something Mr. Valentine was supposed to do on his to do list that could have waited anyway. 

Each day, moment even, is a struggle for me.  I tend to drown in negative feelings.  It's consumed me this last year.  Last Sunday, the Bishop asked to catch up with me.  And sure enough, when I got to his office, I burst into tears.  It just showed me how bottled up all these emotions have been and how I've channeled my sad emotions and things I cannot control in my life into angry emotions.  

I feel like if I let my guard down in life for a second everything will fall apart.  I work very hard to keep things together.  But that means I turn into a dictator so nothing is missed or forgotten about (tasks, duties, responsibilities, being on time, etc).  I realize this is the exact way my Militant Father acted.  And I never wanted to turn out like that.

I find it very difficult to love unconditionally, except for a few people - like my children and my mother.  Otherwise, to be honest, I see that it's very difficult for me to love anyone else through their faults, especially the male figures in my life.  I feel like I've had to be a parent to two kids AND the men I've been with through my life which causes so much stress.  I realize then that Mr. Valentine's A.D.D.-like behavior is a reaction to his not being able to make/keep me happy (which I know isn't really his job anyway) - he's trying so hard to keep me happy, plus he feels so down and out about things and that he can't do more for us that he ends up drowning his negative feelings by spending hours coming up with new ideas, starting random projects, zoning out to a movie, etc.  Which takes more of his time away from us so I feel more overwhelmed and angry. 

It's all such a pattern.  I hate it.  I hate this about myself.  It's not the way to deal with things, that's for sure.  I find myself reflecting on my day and being down and harsh all over again.  One of the worst parts in my communication with Mr. Valentine is that when I DO finally recognize the behavior, he's so happy I've recognized it that he takes that hour to re-confirm how bad I've gotten and beat it in (not literally, of course).  And we fight again.  

I just feel like I've turned into a b#!$%  Dear Blog Readers. Because if I'm not a b#!$%, this, this or this won't get done. If I let my guard down, something falls through. 

I feel like a dictator.  I hate that.  I NEVER thought I'd turn out this way.  EVER.  I can honestly tell you I've always been considered very sweet and kind and giving and loving.  Many people who know me personally say I am the kindest sweetest, nicest person they know.  And I look at myself over the last 6 years and think I've gone from sweet to hateful and constantly angry.  I feel like I've become this way through circumstances, but still I need to control my reactions better.  I don't really let out the anger except by speaking very quickly and becoming very robotic in my actions - I don't express happiness or smile or show affection.  So the anger just stays there and sits and festers. 

And then I don't want to be around anyone.  My kids want to play - I don't want to play.  It's the last thing I feel like doing (even though I do, for their sake).  Mr. Valentine wants to be with me and it's the last thing I want to do.  I just push him away.  And you know?  That's a huge fault of mine!  I fully recognize how blessed we are and how there are people out there who would give ANYTHING to have a husband or child, or have them back if they've lost them.  So I realize my reactions are over-reactions and that I need to focus more on the good and less on the things I cannot change. 

So I'm starting a 12 step program for anger. 

Despite your religious views, there is a point where a human feels the need to change.  Mine has come.  All this time being part of a religion, I have thought of repentence as a concept that I didn't need to do.  I've never felt like I've done anything THAT wrong.  But I see that when I harbor hateful thoughts and anger ALL THE TIME that it's time for me to repent too.    That's been very difficult to see.  Even if you're not religious I think when anyone gets to that point of having a broken heart and contrite spirit you can see that changes need to be made. In this sense, Buddhists and the Dalai Lama are really onto something, lol.  He's still not following me on Twitter, by the way.  Tisk, tisk, Dalai.  Doesn't he realize how utterly hella fly I am?!

I think that my broken heart and contrite spirit has finally caught up with me because I can't stop crying lately.  Each time I become angry, shortly after the tears come.  And I don't cry, Dear Blog Readers.  I watched The Notebook and didn't cry (see, because I'm so numb inside).  And everyone around me, including Mr. Valentine was sobbing. 

I think I'm ready to change and stop letting anger consume and overwhelm my life, especially in areas I cannot control anyway.  It has become a form of addiction.  I need to get back to these steps I learned long ago, but have lost touch with:

• We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable


• Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity


• Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God


• Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves


• Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs


• Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character


• Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings


• Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all


• Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others


• Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it


• Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out


• Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Well, thank you, Dear Blog Readers, for letting me vent.  I assure you, nothing bad will happen and that I'll be okay.  I just need to deal with these emotions better.  For years I felt no emotions and now that I do, I can't get the feelings to leave.  It drives me crazy. 

Love,

Gabby