Sunday
13Dec2009
And Baby Makes Five???
Sunday, December 13, 2009 at 12:51PM
I've come to a point in my life as a woman where I begin to think: "do we keep going? or do we stop here?"
With all we've been through it's probably a very normal reaction to say "stop here."
And I know I've got LOTS to work on, change, fix, learn, etc before another baby is even an option. Or even fair, really.
I suppose I feel like a failure in a way for stopping. I mean, I've got this body, right? And Mister Valentine always wanted several children, very close in age. So he continues to ask me "are we having more?"
I don't know. Part of me thinks I'm just starting to find myself again after all the chaos and three years of diapers. Part of me thinks I might as well do it NOW while I'm still young. Part of me thinks we really lucked out with two very beautiful and healthy children. Why push the risks with my body and possible health issues that run in our genes? Why not settle?
I guess I feel guilty for that "settling". Like I should keep going. Part of me thinks about how tired and stressed and busy I was these last three years and how --it didn't go the way I'd imagined. I suppose in even considering another child I'm hoping to go back and redo what wasn't "right" about the first two pregnancies and first years afterwards. I mean, I worked. Hard. I didn't enjoy a lot of it. I don't even remember a lot of it. I was very depressed and anxious and tired.
Mister Valentine seems to feel this is the "be all end all" if we don't have another child, soon. As though having them more than two years apart means...we're bad and wrong. Or something like that. I don't know exactly what his reasoning is, but I do feel the pressure.
I think if we DO have more, we COULD wait...a couple years. Get my body in order. Get my kids reading, potty trained, etc. Wait till college is done. You get my point, here, I'm sure. So, a couple years out, maybe?
I do have a difficult time saying "this is IT, never again." The thought of not having any more babies in our home is kind of...sad. I keep prolonging my daughters baby phase out longer and longer because I don't want this to be the end of baby stage. But she's growing up and probably doesn't need bottles, pacifiers and security blankets bombarding her every move.
Sigh.
It's a difficult choice. And while I got pregnant very easily before, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome now. Would I even get pregnant again?
I have a dream, I suppose, that we would have been a very large family. But I'm not sure that dream will come true. Yet.
Daily Gratitudes:
1. I am so grateful for my little family.
2. We have a boy and girl. If we stop now, we've still been quite blessed.
3. Mister Valentine is using his four week school break to get a lot done.
4. I've been getting more sleep lately. Feeling a little more refreshed.
5. I am grateful for the real meaning of Christmas. Though I do feel a tad bit Pagan when I think of our traditions: cutting down and dragging a tree into our home, decorating it and worshiping it for a month??? Hmmmm.... =)
With all we've been through it's probably a very normal reaction to say "stop here."
And I know I've got LOTS to work on, change, fix, learn, etc before another baby is even an option. Or even fair, really.
I suppose I feel like a failure in a way for stopping. I mean, I've got this body, right? And Mister Valentine always wanted several children, very close in age. So he continues to ask me "are we having more?"
I don't know. Part of me thinks I'm just starting to find myself again after all the chaos and three years of diapers. Part of me thinks I might as well do it NOW while I'm still young. Part of me thinks we really lucked out with two very beautiful and healthy children. Why push the risks with my body and possible health issues that run in our genes? Why not settle?
I guess I feel guilty for that "settling". Like I should keep going. Part of me thinks about how tired and stressed and busy I was these last three years and how --it didn't go the way I'd imagined. I suppose in even considering another child I'm hoping to go back and redo what wasn't "right" about the first two pregnancies and first years afterwards. I mean, I worked. Hard. I didn't enjoy a lot of it. I don't even remember a lot of it. I was very depressed and anxious and tired.
Mister Valentine seems to feel this is the "be all end all" if we don't have another child, soon. As though having them more than two years apart means...we're bad and wrong. Or something like that. I don't know exactly what his reasoning is, but I do feel the pressure.
I think if we DO have more, we COULD wait...a couple years. Get my body in order. Get my kids reading, potty trained, etc. Wait till college is done. You get my point, here, I'm sure. So, a couple years out, maybe?
I do have a difficult time saying "this is IT, never again." The thought of not having any more babies in our home is kind of...sad. I keep prolonging my daughters baby phase out longer and longer because I don't want this to be the end of baby stage. But she's growing up and probably doesn't need bottles, pacifiers and security blankets bombarding her every move.
Sigh.
It's a difficult choice. And while I got pregnant very easily before, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome now. Would I even get pregnant again?
I have a dream, I suppose, that we would have been a very large family. But I'm not sure that dream will come true. Yet.
Daily Gratitudes:
1. I am so grateful for my little family.
2. We have a boy and girl. If we stop now, we've still been quite blessed.
3. Mister Valentine is using his four week school break to get a lot done.
4. I've been getting more sleep lately. Feeling a little more refreshed.
5. I am grateful for the real meaning of Christmas. Though I do feel a tad bit Pagan when I think of our traditions: cutting down and dragging a tree into our home, decorating it and worshiping it for a month??? Hmmmm.... =)
Reader Comments (6)
Choosing to expand your family is such a hard decision. I know whatever you decide it wil be right for you.
And I have been reading over your blog and worried like heck about you. How are you doing?
I think you are a great mom and don't ever think you are a failure because you wonder about having more children. Kids are a lot of work, you know that. When the time is right you will know. I always wished that my kids were closer in age but 5 years hasn't actually turned out too bad. They get along for the most part and he's a good helper.
Ooooohhhhh...thinking over more children is a big one. I say, just pray about it & then make your decision. You'll know if you're ready. You must already be an awesome mom...you're children love you and you are still LIVING!!! **We are done & I am currently going through the newborn things & donating them...it is a little sad.**
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I kinda know how you feel. I still haven't given birth to my FIRST baby, and I'm already thinking about.... will we have more? How many? When??? It's crazy. I try to tell myself to take it one day at a time and everything will unfold as it should.
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We will all support you but I hear you on goals before the baby. I definitely want my kid potty trained before the next comes along and to both have college degrees (though that seems so far off given my husbands condition and my silly self). We did agree to wait 4 years no more then four years before trying. Which can be scary since I dont think I will be where we want in four years. That being said I know it sounds silly but really pray about it. And we will all love and support you in what ever you choose:). We are blessed because we have the chruch in our lives and with that I know no matter what we will always be taken care of. It may not be the lifestyle we want but we wont be homeless of clothesless or hungry. Like I said, truely pray about it and for answers.
we're shooting for 4 (i was a middle child of 3 and would NEVER do that to a child on purpose LOL) and we're at the point now where we know we're going to have another it's just a matter of when...we originally thought it would be short coming, but now...i've still got 17 lbs of baby fat to loose (man they get harder to loose w/ each one AND as you get older...it's ridiculous, i always thought the 30 thing was a myth, it's so NOT) and i'll admit that there is a show that i selfishly would LOVE to be in this coming spring and if i'm preggo there is no way that it could happen because #1 i get violently...yes i said and mean VIOLENTLY ill, #2 i'm so fried for energy that i'm barely human, #3 i get big FAST and have to start wearing mat pants like at 3 months, #4 if i'm preggo i can't do all the dancing and physical body stunts this role will ask of me...and we're going to be moving (i've done moving pregnant, i don't want to do it again)...babies are wonderful blessed life turned upside downers...not something to just be decided, and remember, the decision is between you, your hubby and HF...no one else matters in the decision...just the 3 of you!